“I look up to the hills, but where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth, He will not let you be defeated, He who guards you never sleeps.* As the mountains surround Jerusalem, the Lord surrounds his people now and forever.* You are my help. Because of your protection, I sing.* Our help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.”
Psalm 121:1-3; Psalm 125:2
Psalm 63:7; Psalm 124:8
I am shaken, I am weary, I am sorrowful…but I will stand, I will trust, I will not be defeated
These past few months my husbands side of my family has been thru a season I wish no one had to go thru. I hear of death, I have experienced death in my family of my older great grandparents, of friends at a younger age, of family like friends who fought a battle of sickness and cancer. I know death is a part of this life on earth, and I have known where each of my family member and friends have gone once they died. It hurt, I missed them, they left a void. Then there was this past month… This was different for me, this I have not experienced, and this is tough.
Kimberlee was my husbands double cousins wife, did you follow me on that? So on my husbands side, his dad and his uncle are brothers then his mom and his aunt are sisters. Two brothers from one family married two sisters from another family..haha.. needless to say a he has a small but large family. I met Kimberlee and her husband Dan in Phoenix when I started to hang out with my then friend, now husband, Jon. They were living in Phoenix while Dan was working and finishing his Masters at ASU. Kim was one of THOSE girls…you know those bubbly, loving, always looked so cute, had an adorable little girl who always looked just as cute, married her high school sweet heart, and instantly becomes your best friend kind of girls? Yeah, that was her. She and I instantly bonded over our love for bargain shopping and pinterest finds. She was amazing and I wanted to hang out with them whenever I could. She was the one who told Jon, he better not mess this up with me and told me to hurry up and date the guy, then get engaged, then hurry and marry..haha what’s the wait, when you know you know!
She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and became one of my closest friends. When Dan had finished school, they moved back to Nebraska to be closer to family and start on his career. I was crushed….one of my BFF’s was gone….now what?!?! So Jon and I followed suit and up and moved to Nebraska too. Kim and Dan had another cute little girl that was just as well dressed and our friendship got even closer. She was now my sister, not my double-cousins in laws wife; plus that’s just too long to say anyways!
It was October of this past year that I got a birthday message from Kim telling me the best birthday present ever…. she was pregnant with their third little one!! Happy birthday to me! We all joked that it was of course going to be another girl, but they wanted to wait to find out. Fast forward to January and she got a cough that would not go away, fast forward to March and she was in the hospital. She texted me, joking like she does about bring in there, and said like she did “oh its not that big of a deal…. but I don’t think I’ll be able to come see you this weekend though because I’m in the ICU”…. WHAT?!?! Why are you even in the hospital? What is going on? Then Sunday March 8th came around and they were going to put her on a vent and completely sedate her because she was having a hard time breathing and laboring over each breath too much. This is all too unreal I thought to myself… Then Monday morning came with a call “they lost the baby while she was sedated… it was a boy”….. No, why, what happened. Was Kim going to be okay, is Dan okay. Jon and I jumped in the car with our little and speed to the hospital to be with Dan… I have never experienced such sadness and such prayer for healing for Kim. Fast forward to that Saturday after a long week of up and down of her health…. and we lost Kim….
She was a healthy woman who loved the Lord with her whole heart, who was married to the man of her dreams, who had two of the cutest little girls who depended on their mommy, who was carrying their first son….. and she is gone, he was gone. Now what…
That next week was a blur for me. Watching the girls, keeping busy, trying to feel something, anything but only feeling numb, feeling a void. I had prayed so hard, so fervently for healing for Kim. I had cried out to the Lord with all that I had in me for Him to heal her, I was spiritually tired , I was worn, and I was lost on where to go now.
Ya know, death is a weird thing. There is no way to prepare yourself for what you have to go thru when someone leaves this earth. There are stages of grief, books you can read, quotes to memorize… but it is different for each individual who goes thru it and no one can tell you what to expect to a fullness, what you will feel, what you wont, nothing anyone says will make it better permanently. So now what….
I find my rest in the words that I put at the top of this post, He will not let you be defeated. I hold tight to that phrase. It resonates in my soul and gives me peace, even if it is only momentarily. I fear forgetting Kim’s quirks, her smile, her laugh, the way she would move her head when she was saying something sarcastic, the way she would look at her girls with such love, her love of color in her life, the way she would make any situation lighter and brighter. Why did God not heal her, why did baby Jack have to die…these are questions I will never have an answer to, and I have to somehow become okay with that fact. His ways are higher then mine, I wont ever understand everything and why some things do or don’t happen, but I can rest in the assurance that I am not in this alone; that when I am weak, He is strong… I will not be defeated physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
As my life has taken a stand still these past few months, I have learned some things that are so obvious to me now that were not as obvious before… things that my lovely friend Kim taught me, things I want to now share with you….. Love.. Love the Lord with all you heart, soul, strength, and mind. Love your husband, have fun with him, laugh with him, build him up to be the man that God designed him to be. Love you kids and not just in a “I love you” with words, but with actions. Put life on hold, things can wait, your kids will grow up fast and they need you now to love and pour into their lives like only you can. Love those around you…. each one like your best friend. Let you love be contagious.
So now what….. life has its way of moving forward and does not seem to wait for me to be ready to “pick up” where we left off, and frankly I don’t want to. But I can pick up with the lessons I have learned and try to make a positive difference in my life and the lives of those I come in contact with.
So here is to a new season, a different season, a season of joy and laughter… why? Because Kim would want me to have joy and she would want me to laugh. If you have ever lost someone close to you, know your not alone, know that everyone grieves different, and know you are loved by your Heavenly Father who is close to those with broken mourning hearts and live on the legacy of what you have learned……
Until next time…
Lindsay Bee XOXO